So, I finally gave in and joined Match.com last month. Shoot me now! That whole experience is, however, a subject for a future blog or sit-com I may decide to write one day.
In order to prepare myself for this dreaded process, I decided to pump myself up and re-read my books on relationships. This can turn self-help into self-hell if you’re not very careful. I did a lot of skimming, but ultimately landed on Harville Hendrix’s book “Keeping The Love You Find.”
If you’re not familiar with Hendrix’s work, you may want to check it out. In my opinion, he’s brilliant. I did some of his “Imago” work when I was trying to save my last marriage (yes, there have been two). Imago is the label he gives to the person who we are subconsciously attracted to because they possess both the desirable and undesirable qualities of our primary caregivers. Well, in my case, although the therapy was successful, the marriage wasn’t saved. It did save my sanity, though, and I learned a whole new way of looking at relationships, my role in them, and their role in my life.
Anyway, in this book he focuses on self-discovery whereas his other books are more for couples. I think one of the reasons this work resonates with me is that it is very yogic in its philosophy. He talks about unconscious patterns and how we’re like heat-seeking missiles, finding partners who will most certainly treat us much in the way that our primary caretakers did. Furthermore, that we will end up using the same childish ploys to deal with them and end up just as frustrated until we finally wake up and recognize our patterns. He says that these are our true soul mates. We find the person who pushes our buttons so our unconscious patterns can be expressed. Then, when they surface, instead of just justifying and defending our position, we become aware of the pattern and work together with awareness, willingness and compassion to help each other move beyond them. The alternative is that you get caught up in an endless power struggle.
In yoga, we call these patterns samskaras, he calls it personal quicksand. We keep doing the same things over and over again until we can break through by becoming conscious and deciding to choose something different. This is where Dr. Phil might jump in with “And how’s that working for you?” One of my favorite poems by Portia Nelson, “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters “ sums it up perfectly.
In order to prepare myself for this dreaded process, I decided to pump myself up and re-read my books on relationships. This can turn self-help into self-hell if you’re not very careful. I did a lot of skimming, but ultimately landed on Harville Hendrix’s book “Keeping The Love You Find.”
If you’re not familiar with Hendrix’s work, you may want to check it out. In my opinion, he’s brilliant. I did some of his “Imago” work when I was trying to save my last marriage (yes, there have been two). Imago is the label he gives to the person who we are subconsciously attracted to because they possess both the desirable and undesirable qualities of our primary caregivers. Well, in my case, although the therapy was successful, the marriage wasn’t saved. It did save my sanity, though, and I learned a whole new way of looking at relationships, my role in them, and their role in my life.
Anyway, in this book he focuses on self-discovery whereas his other books are more for couples. I think one of the reasons this work resonates with me is that it is very yogic in its philosophy. He talks about unconscious patterns and how we’re like heat-seeking missiles, finding partners who will most certainly treat us much in the way that our primary caretakers did. Furthermore, that we will end up using the same childish ploys to deal with them and end up just as frustrated until we finally wake up and recognize our patterns. He says that these are our true soul mates. We find the person who pushes our buttons so our unconscious patterns can be expressed. Then, when they surface, instead of just justifying and defending our position, we become aware of the pattern and work together with awareness, willingness and compassion to help each other move beyond them. The alternative is that you get caught up in an endless power struggle.
In yoga, we call these patterns samskaras, he calls it personal quicksand. We keep doing the same things over and over again until we can break through by becoming conscious and deciding to choose something different. This is where Dr. Phil might jump in with “And how’s that working for you?” One of my favorite poems by Portia Nelson, “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters “ sums it up perfectly.
1.
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I am lost...I am helpless
It takes forever to find a way out.
I fall in
It isn't my fault
2.
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I can't believe I'm in the same place
It still takes a long time to get out.
I fall in again
But it isn't my fault
3.
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I still fall in...it's a habit.
I know where I am.
I get out immediately.
I see it's there
It is my fault.
4.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5.
I walk down another street.
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I am lost...I am helpless
It takes forever to find a way out.
I fall in
It isn't my fault
2.
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I can't believe I'm in the same place
It still takes a long time to get out.
I fall in again
But it isn't my fault
3.
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I still fall in...it's a habit.
I know where I am.
I get out immediately.
I see it's there
It is my fault.
4.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5.
I walk down another street.
I might paraphrase this by asking, ”How deep in shit do you have to be standing until you realize that you just may want to take another route?”, but then, I’ve never been very poetic.
The thing that really stands out for me and ties into my understanding of yoga philosophy is when he talks about our innate connectedness.
“ Does it ring a bell when I say that we all share an inarticulate longing for something that we cannot quite put our fingers on?...I believe these feelings arise from our forgotten connection to memories of a time before birth, from the period we spent in our mother’s womb, and even before, when we felt totally and safely connected not only to an all-giving mother but, beyond that, to everything and to everyone. I believe this memory is the source of the primary and universal human belonging, and the unstated hope of love...our fundamental yearning is to transcend the barriers that now separate us from our awareness of this connection...our secret goal in relationships is not some movie-screen fantasy of love, but rather a drive to recover the state of relaxed joy that is our birthright.”
I love that…”relaxed joy.” Is that not the feeling we get in yoga when we are able to get out of our heads, beyond our thoughts, our emotions, our attachments and aversions? When we are able to move beyond even our emotional hearts into the core of our hearts or what Gary Zukov calls “the seat of the soul”?
How does this all tie in for me? Well, it’s a reminder that it is not up to anyone else to make me feel this connection. That’s movie-love. Initially, that “you complete me” feeling makes it seem like this other person is the answer to our prayers. Personally, I think it’s the cosmic trick to give us the courage to hang in there for the roller coaster ride that’s to come. And, I am actually praying for that to happen for me. I think it’s harder to do this work outside of an intimate relationship because it is too easy to avoid the parts of ourselves that we don’t like when there is no one there to push our buttons. Besides, I’ve always loved roller coasters, even though I white-knuckle it and scream like a 5 year old the entire time I’m on the ride.
Like Ram Dass so wisely put it, “ When you think you’re evolved, go spend a week with your parents.” And as Harville Hendrix says, we choose partners that are going to mimic our relationship with our parents so we can help each other heal and come back to being our authentic selves and our sense of “relaxed joy.” So, there it is.
So, if this theory is correct, I guess I’m looking for a man who is good- looking, strong, smart, sociable, fun-loving, sausage-eating, witty, impatient, insensitive, critical, emotionally unavailable and loves food, art, music, family and travel. So, if you know such a man who is willing to get his hands dirty and do the real work, bring him on! And tell him to wear a seat belt because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
The thing that really stands out for me and ties into my understanding of yoga philosophy is when he talks about our innate connectedness.
“ Does it ring a bell when I say that we all share an inarticulate longing for something that we cannot quite put our fingers on?...I believe these feelings arise from our forgotten connection to memories of a time before birth, from the period we spent in our mother’s womb, and even before, when we felt totally and safely connected not only to an all-giving mother but, beyond that, to everything and to everyone. I believe this memory is the source of the primary and universal human belonging, and the unstated hope of love...our fundamental yearning is to transcend the barriers that now separate us from our awareness of this connection...our secret goal in relationships is not some movie-screen fantasy of love, but rather a drive to recover the state of relaxed joy that is our birthright.”
I love that…”relaxed joy.” Is that not the feeling we get in yoga when we are able to get out of our heads, beyond our thoughts, our emotions, our attachments and aversions? When we are able to move beyond even our emotional hearts into the core of our hearts or what Gary Zukov calls “the seat of the soul”?
How does this all tie in for me? Well, it’s a reminder that it is not up to anyone else to make me feel this connection. That’s movie-love. Initially, that “you complete me” feeling makes it seem like this other person is the answer to our prayers. Personally, I think it’s the cosmic trick to give us the courage to hang in there for the roller coaster ride that’s to come. And, I am actually praying for that to happen for me. I think it’s harder to do this work outside of an intimate relationship because it is too easy to avoid the parts of ourselves that we don’t like when there is no one there to push our buttons. Besides, I’ve always loved roller coasters, even though I white-knuckle it and scream like a 5 year old the entire time I’m on the ride.
Like Ram Dass so wisely put it, “ When you think you’re evolved, go spend a week with your parents.” And as Harville Hendrix says, we choose partners that are going to mimic our relationship with our parents so we can help each other heal and come back to being our authentic selves and our sense of “relaxed joy.” So, there it is.
So, if this theory is correct, I guess I’m looking for a man who is good- looking, strong, smart, sociable, fun-loving, sausage-eating, witty, impatient, insensitive, critical, emotionally unavailable and loves food, art, music, family and travel. So, if you know such a man who is willing to get his hands dirty and do the real work, bring him on! And tell him to wear a seat belt because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
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